If I were a candle on the advent wreath, I’d be the second purple one. When you light the first one, you still have people complaining that it’s too early for holiday cheer, and when you light the pink one after it, you suddenly realize oh crap I need to get my shopping done.
Week Two? It’s fairly relaxing, and you can briefly soak in the actual peace that Christmas is supposed to be about without so much distraction. And what better way than by turning on your television and letting it shove commercialism down your throat?
Without question, my favorite part about Christmas is the way it takes over all of mass communication. So much, in fact, that I have decided to put together this list of some of the most memorable … and some of most underrated holiday specials and Christmas-related movies of all time. “Yeah, but a hundred?” you ask, bewildered.
Yes, a hundred. It’s a big frigging number, and as a result, there are quite a few items on this list that aren’t exactly what you would call “very Christmassy,” and a few others that aren’t exactly what you would call “very good.” But t’is the season for outlandish celebration, so I went the extra mile to come up with 100 specials that I think are worth watching at least twice.
With the exception of about four, I have seen every entry on this list, and will defend both its position and its right to be included as one of the best, not so much for outstanding achievement in film or television, but for satisfactory achievement in holiday spirit and/or in the department of old=lol.
Also, I’ll do you the favor of using my time machine to tell your future self, who’s in the middle of typing me an email along the lines of “You forgot this one! What about this one? That one should be ranked higher!” that I don’t care. Nope. Do not care. MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU SON OF A BITCH
Sonic the Hedgehog’s egg-shaped nemesis, Dr. Robotnik, has taken over for the retired Santa Claus, and reversed the job description by stealing all the toys in the world for himself. It doesn’t take Sonic and Tails long to discover that “retired” was more like “currently being held prisoner in some ice cave.” That’s probably the only big downside about this special. It doesn’t take Sonic long to do anything, that’s basically the plot of every cartoon of the entire series. The main reason this one even made the list as opposed to some others that got bumped is because those others didn’t have the voice-action power of Urkel as the main character.
Memorable moment: Upon rescuing Santa, Sonic learns that the only way to save Christmas in time is by achieving “maximum velocity.” To do that, he has to run up a mountain really fast, and then do a bunch of XTR33M sports on the way down again. After that, he can finally move fast enough to circle the globe Superman 1 style and return everyone’s presents. There’s also highlight for hardcore hedgehog fans in the form of a cameo by Princess Sally, Sonic’s girlfriend from his Saturday morning cartoon series. She doesn’t even get a word in, but for furries who just can’t get enough of that naked squirrel body, it was enough. Daydream all you want, but I swear to Baby Jesus there’s an internet cause to ensure that Sally’s love remains with our spiny blue hero. Man, I didn’t know they were having such bad relationship problems. Sonic the Hedgehog’s love life is in peril. Show your Support for the True Girl for Sonic today!
When Mindy explains to our Orkan protagonist why everyone’s suddenly in a gift-giving frenzy, Mork sets out to buy presents for all his friends. Unfortunately, his complete lack of earth dollars puts a damper on his plans, until someone suggests that he make something for his friends instead. Mork toils away with his less than perfect creations, only to be met with suppressed giggling, until Mindy assures him that the fact that he put his heart into them makes his gifts special. You know, like when you’re in preschool, and you draw a picture of your family, and Daddy’s the same size as the house with about nine stick fingers on each hand.
Memorable moment: Mindy trying to explain to Mork what the gathering of tiny people around the miniature stable on their neighbor’s lawn is. Also, instead of calling Orson at the end of the show, the only episode in which this is left out, Mork is seen examining the Christmas tree with the innocence of a four-year-old.
Saved by the Bell: Home for Christmas (1991)
The usually scheming Zack Morris shows his generous side throughout this two-part special, in which the gang from Bayside all get jobs at the mall during Christmas break. Zack falls for Laura, a girl who works with Kelly at the men’s department store. While trying to find a gift for her, he and Screech end up giving it to a homeless man they befriend. Later, when the man becomes hospitalized, the gang finds Laura already there visiting … the homeless man is her father. For a girl living out of her car, she sure looks well-groomed and made up. But then, this is the southern California coast in the early ’90s. And it’s also a cheesy high school sitcom. In Part 2, Laura puts aside a suit at work for her dad, which she is accused of stealing and gets fired. So Zack buys the suit and invites Laura and her dad over for Christmas dinner, and gives her dad the suit to help him with job interviews.
Memorable moment: Kelly talks her boss into sponsoring a production of “A Christmas Carol.” During the play, extra lines are added to advertise for the men’s store. Also, this short dialogue:
Zack’s mom: “So, have you decided what you want for Christmas yet?”
Zack: (upon spotting Laura) “Oh yeah.”
Zack’s mom: “I don’t think I have a big enough box for her.”
Some of you would be surprised at the number of horror flicks that use Christmas as a backdrop. Some of you have seen every one of them, and thus know why Silent Night, Deadly Night belongs on this list. It may not be the best of its kind, but that’s exactly what makes it so memorable. It also doesn’t hurt that they made 4 frigging sequels, the last of which was in 1992 and starred Mickey Rooney. Our story begins with a boy named Billy, whose bedridden grandfather warns him to stay away from Santa Claus, because he punishes naughty children. Sure enough, Billy’s parents are soon murdered and his mother raped by a man in a Santa suit. Billy is then sent to an Catholic orphanage, where he spies on two older orphans having sex, followed by the Mother Superior punishing them. Billy is told that this is naughty, and that everything naughty must be punished. Years later, he finds himself fantasizing about a co-worker at his toy store, only to have his daydream interrupted by scenes of violence. He is then made to cover for the toy store’s Santa Claus, thus becoming one with his worst fear. All it takes is to witness another co-worker molesting his crush, and YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!!11 Do you see what I did there?
Memorable moment: During a random sex scene, the girl suddenly stops in the heat of passion, because she realizes she left the cat out. So she steps outside, topless, to call it in. Then evil Santa Billy chops her head off. One could argue that this is the dumbest execution of the “Don’t have sex in a horror flick” rule ever, but I don’t think that’s why Santa killed her. I think it was because she was being an idiot.
As the Care Bears try to cheer up a girl whose friend just moved away, a Nutcracker appears via the mouse hole in her room, and enlists their help to save the Sugarplum Fairy from the Rat King and his evil Royal Vizier. The Prince of Toyland is missing in action during all of this, and when the Nutcracker starts reminding us that he has amnesia and can’t remember where he came from every five minutes or so, that pretty much eliminates any element of surprise we might have had at the end OMG PLOT TWIST! Any resemblance between that and the actual Nutcracker Ballet stops there, but I wouldn’t necessarily say that’s a bad thing. When you’re an 8 year old boy, watching ballet isn’t very entertaining. Not even ballet with swords. So the only version of the Nutcracker I ever really got into was the one where the giant angry rats and the evil wizard guy fight a bunch of teddy bears and a wooden doll. Say what you want about the Care Bears, but they had some pretty awesome bad guys.
Memorable moment: The same memorable moment in every Care Bears cartoon ever made … the part where they launch force beams of love and kindness out of their bellies to defeat the bad guys. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve put “magic belly tattoo” on my Christmas list, only to be let down.
After they started running out of holiday songs to make animated specials out of, Rankin/Bass Productions, the undisputed heavyweight champions of the Christmas special circuit, put together this cartoon adaptation of a musical adaptation of A Christmas Carol. Ol’ Scrooge bears a striking resemblance to his voice actor counterpart, Walter Matthau, who can’t sing very well, but can certainly “Bah Humbug” with the best of them. That bug on his shoulder is our narrator, played by Happy Days patriarch Tom! Tom Bosley! Unfortunately, this special loses points for the bug’s name: B.A.H. Humbug. On the “See What I Did There?” ladder, that’s a rung lower than Dr. Light naming his pet robots Rock and Roll. Keen-eyed cartoon enthusiasts will recognize the animation style, which quickly followed in the footsteps of Rankin/Bass’s earlier hit, The Hobbit. Sure, everybody looks like they’re coming down with a cold, but the rosy cheeks and noses work nicely in this tale of Christmas conversion. Also, despite being poor and living in the late 19th Century, Tiny Tim appears to be getting around on prosthetic titanium legs. The same stuff they used on the Space Shuttle.
Memorable moment: When the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come shows Scrooge his headstone, which then morphs into a giant laughing devil head that belts out an evil, echoing HAW-HAW! This is one of the scariest moments in Christmas show history … and that includes the next item on our list.
There are few things that surpass my passion for all things Ninja Turtles … so why is this straight-to-video holiday special so far back on the list? Mostly because I’ve actually seen it. It’s nothing short of a terrible bootleg, and whoever made it almost seems to WANT to remind you of that. But for a Turtle fan, its greatness lies in its cheesiness, and this special comes with an extra topping’s worth. It stars four guys in costumes you’ll have little trouble spotting the zippers on, running around Manhattan and taking in the Christmas spirit on their search for a gift for Master Splinter. Never mind the fact that they’re not making any attempt to hide their identity while on the surface … unless I just happen to be a genius who can see through their clever matching scarf disguises.
Memorable moment: Michaelangelo becomes so moved with the experience of tree-trimming, that he stops what he’s doing and belts out an opera song. In an actual, Pavoratti-like opera voice.
It takes a special kind of movie to get the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment , and there’s none as deserving as this gem. Again, it’s not bad in the I want to poke my eyes out way as much as it’s bad in the Mork trying to make gifts for his friends way. The children of Mars are unhappy, and so the Martian governing council decides to steal Earth’s most famous bringer of joy. They kidnap two American children to guide them to Santa’s base of operations, and after a short battle with some elves, Santa is taken as well. The Martian children and many of the adults warm up to his jolly nature, and he is put to work operating a push-button toymaking machine, the kind of technology only a Martian could create. Throughout the whole thing, Santa seems pretty ok with the fact that he’s been kidnapped by aliens and forced to work for them. In fact, he thinks everything is hilarious, and even takes being held at disintegration raypoint in something of a stride.
Memorable moment: The aforementioned threat of being disintegrated … by Voldar, an evil Martian who wants nothing more than to see Santa killed. His plans are laughably foiled when the Earth kids and Martian kids gang up on him by whacking him with tennis rackets, throwing toy soldiers at him, covering him with silly string, and making wind-up tanks run over his feet. Even Santa cracks up laughing. “Ho-ho-ho-ha-hahahahaha!”
In the ’60s, Rankin/Bass made a stop motion toon called the New Adventures of Pinocchio. Nobody watched it, but by the end of the ’70s, when they were running low on ideas to make Christmas movies about, Pinocchio started looking pretty good. This one finds our little wooden hero searching for a job, so that he can buy Gepetto a Christmas present. The sly Fox and Cat trick him into joining a traveling marionette show, the term everyone in this special insists on using instead of the shorter and easier “puppet.” There he meets and gets a woody get it lol over grows a liking to an inanimate female puppet marionette named Julietta. So much, in fact, that Pinocchio saves her from being carved into a different character, and brings her to the Forest of Enchantment, hoping that the Blue Fairy can bring her to life. She agrees to do so once Pinocchio discovers the true meaning of Christmas. It isn’t long before he’s tricked again, this time being sold to the Duke of what I’m assuming is Italy, whom Pinocchio eventually convinces that he should spent some more time with his children instead of giving them a stupid puppet marionette to play with in his work-heavy absence. Spending time with family constitutes enough of what Christmas is all about to bring Julietta to life, and she joins Pinocchio on the journey home. The story’s all over the place, sure, but I loved it when I was younger, and it has since become a bit of a guilty pleasure.
Memorable moment: On his way to what he thinks is the North Pole and turns out to be the Duke’s palace, Pinocchio has a dream sequence in which he teaches Santa’s toys how to dance. He sings a song that goes “Let’s go dancing!” and is eerily similar, in a Rankin/Bass Christmassy way at least, to “Dancin’ Machine” by the Jackson 5.
Commentary by B:
World Wrestling Entertainment is internationally known and accredited for their subtle and positive influence on humanity’s infrastructure. Characters like “The Iron Sheik” cast a tender shadow over religious and racial relations between America and the Middle East in only a way Martin Luther King could’ve dreamed of, had he spent less time preaching the fundamentals of civil rights and spent more time swinging around big hammers and camel-clutching white people. But in December of 2003 the WWE actually decided to do something nice; they flew a group of superstars over to the war zone (which usually only takes place in the hour following Raw is War) and entertained the troops. It was a simple gesture, and it was nice. Everyone seemed to have fun and a lot of people who don’t get to let it all hang out and act retarded got to hold up signs reading “TORRIE WHO’S YOUR BAGHDADDY.” Then, ironically enough, Vince McMahon flew everybody home and made Rob Van Dam dress up like a building who gets indignant and pissed off whenever anybody knocks him down.
Memorable moment: Vince McMahon decides he wants to berate Santa Claus, because Vince gets whims like that. In 2002 they did a show in an alleyway and Vince found it the perfect time to trick the Little Matchstick Girl into an Evolution beatdown. So yeah, Vince wants to push around Santa, but it turns out Santa is actually STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (which explains why I always got empty beer cans and battered women under my tree as a child), and Vince gets his head stunnered all over Fallujah or Admiral Ackbar or wherever. In another groundbreaking segment, men treated women like sexual objects.
This is the story of Hardrock, Coco and Joe, three “dwarfs” who accompany Santa on his annual trip. Hardrock steers the sleigh, Coco navigates, and Joe sorts the presents. And you thought Santa flew solo. The real fun begins when the big guy slides down the chimney, and the three little dwarfs screw around on the rooftop. I’ve only seen this once or twice when I was younger, but it apparently gets an annual showing in the Chicago area. For the rest of us, it’s an all but forgotten classic.
Memorable moment: While Santa is down a chimney at their first stop, Hardrock takes the opportunity to nail Joe in the face with a snowball that KNOCKS HIS EYE OUT OF ITS SOCKET.
Presented by McDonald’s Family Theater, which basically meant that it was preceded by a scene of Ronald McDonald in a scarf hanging out with some Fry Guys, this special had several stories to tell. Holly is a doll who wants nothing more than to be loved. Ivy is an orphan who who wants nothing more than to be reunited with her long lost grandmother, especially when an electrical mishap makes the Christmas lights on the tree in a passing town change from reading “MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MILL VALLEY” to “MERRY CHRISTMAS TO I V Y.” Officer Jones and his wife want nothing more than to have children to celebrate Christmas with. Peter is a toy store clerk who wants nothing more than to find the key that he lost. Officer Jones helps Peter look for the key, which Ivy finds and happily returns. So Officer Jones takes Ivy home for Christmas Eve night, until he can get her back to her orphanage. Peter gives Holly to Ivy in gratitude for saving his neck. Mrs. Jones is so delighted to have a child to celebrate Christmas with, that she can’t possibly refuse when Ivy asks her to be her Grandma. I don’t know whose wish it was that changed Christmas, but holy crap, everything sure did turn out wonderfully.
Memorable moment: Next to Holly in the toy store is a cynical Owl who wants nothing more than to see Holly’s dreams crushed. So when Peter decides to give Holly to Ivy, Owl snaps and breaks the “don’t come to life while humans are around” rule by going right for Peter’s face. After a bit of a struggle, Peter finally flings Owl off his leg and into a barrel. Then
Peter takes a breath, and goes off to deliver the doll. Considering a stuffed toy just tried to bite him in the face, he took it rather well.
Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire play Jimmy and Ted, a singer and dancer who own a New England lodge with an interesting theme … the lodge is only open during national holidays. Despite what you might think, business actually proves to be doing well, as the Holiday Inn gets decked out accordingly for each festivity, and the boys prepare a variety show to match. The pair soon find themselves fighting over the lovely Linda, and take the competition to the stage. This was a landmark film in several ways. It’s the namesake for the actual Holiday Inn chain of hotels. It just happened to be on when the architect was drawing his sketch. It’s also the origin of the now classic carol “I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas,” which was written for Bing’s role in this movie. The singing and dancing get a little boring after a while, but it’s certainly one of the most memorable movies about hotel owners. At least out of the ones that weren’t filmed in night vision.
Memorable moment: Fred Astaire does a dance routine while drunk. He prepared for the scene accordingly by taking drinks of bourbon before each take. He had 8 in him during the final take that was used in the film.
This one is about 8-year-old Jessica, who rescues an injured deer, whose fur markings match those of Santa’s own Prancer in one of her storybooks. She soon starts skipping school and doing odd jobs in order to nurse the deer back to health and return it to its owner. Fearing that her father, with whom she’s grown apart since the death of her mother, will disapprove, she hides Prancer in her father’s barn, which is a great place to hide something FROM YOUR FATHER. He finds it and sells it to an advertising display. Her strong belief that the deer is, indeed, Prancer, eventually moves her father into helping her free the deer, which eventually rejoins Santa’s team in a display of terrible special effects. Not phenomenal by any means, Prancer is still one of the more touching Christmas movies in the last 15 years that ended up getting sentenced to regular showings on ABC Family.
Memorable moment: Jessica writes a letter to Santa about his missing reindeer, and directs one of his bewildered shopping mall substitutes to deliver it to him by yelling PRANCER’S IN THE SHED NEAR MY HOUSE in his face. Also, the part where Rebecca Harrell grew up to be a hottie. Don’t you just love happy endings?
Rankin/Bass can’t get full credit for the plot behind this one. It’s based on another song by Gene Autry, who decided that his story about Rudolph didn’t have enough Jesus power, so he changed some names and species, and came up with Nestor, a donkey with incredibly long ears that he’d always trip over. This makes him useless for work, and he and his mother are left out in the cold. His mother doesn’t survive, but Nestor is protected by a guardian angel named Tilly, who guides him on a mission to meet up with a certain Nazerian couple. Yes, Nestor is the donkey who guides Joseph and Mary to Bethlehem. And he finally remembered to tuck his ears up, so he doesn’t trip and kill anybody.
Memorable moment: The part where Nestor’s in the clown make-up and has to jump from the fiery building, but then he spreads his ears out and flies over the other donkeys, shooting peanuts at them. Wait, no…
In this movie, Tim Allen kills Santa Claus and has to take his place. Wait, let me explain that better. In this movie, Scott Calvin and his son, Charlie, hear such a clatter on his roof, and when they goes out to investigate, they catch Santa Claus off guard, causing him to fall off the roof. The reindeer whisk them off to the North Pole, where they learn that Scott must now take over for the jolly one. Reluctant, Scott returns home, only to find himself growing the appropriate beard and extra pounds beyond his control. This movie came out at the height of Allen’s popularity as the star of “Home Improvement,” and the role of the reluctant Santa Claus was Tim Taylored just for him.
Memorable moment: Scott gets arrested for breaking and entering, and the following interrogation takes place. Towards the end, some trademark Tim Allen half-grunt sneaks its way in.
“Look, I know you’re Scott Calvin. You know you’re Scott Calvin. So let’s make this simple … when I say ‘Name,’ you say, ‘Scott Calvin’ … Name?”
“Chris Kringle.”
“… Name?”
“Sinter Klauss.”
“… Name?!”
“Pere Noel. Buono Natale. Pelz-Nicole. Topo Giggio!”
Here’s another movie that uses the torch-passing Santa Claus theory as opposed to the immortal saint theory. The current Santa is getting up there in years, and is searching for a suitable replacement. When cab driver Ernest P. Worrel finds out Santa’s identity, he promises to help him in his quest to find former children’s TV host Joe Curruthers, the man whom Santa feels is most worthy of the job. But between Joe’s reluctance and Santa’s energy draining after a girl steals his magic bag, it’s up to Ernest to help Santa get around. They meet up with the girl and convince her that Santa is the real deal … now it’s just up to the trio to convince Joe before it’s time for the annual Christmas Eve run.
Memorable moment: Hey, Vern! Ernest delivers a Christmas tree to his behind-the-camera buddy Vern’s house, and proceeds to wreck the place as he bumbles around with the giant tree in tow.
The original “Babes in Toyland” starred Laurel and Hardy, and there was also an awful mid-90s remake starring Drew Barrymore and Keanu Reeves, but as far as I’m concerned, this is the definitive version of the movie. Since Disney seemed to have only used one female lead from 1955 to 1962, it’s Annette Funicello in the starring role of Mary, Mary Quite Contrary, whose little siblings wander into the Forest of No Return, home of the evil Barnaby. Mary and her fiance, Tom, Tom the Piper’s Son, go after them, and everyone ends up in Toyland, where all is not well. It seems that Barnaby has found his way there, himself, and is intent on keeping the Toymaker, played by the guy from Mary Poppins who’s trapped on the ceiling, from meeting his quota for Santa Claus. Kidnapping Mary would make for a nice bonus as well, but naturally, Tom won’t have it, and he enlists the help of an army of wooden soldiers to chase Barnaby out of Toyland for good.
Memorable moment: After Barnaby’s henchmen try to make a quick buck by selling Tom to a band of gypsies, Tom sneaks back into play, dressed in convincing old lady drag.
Denis Leary is a really bad cat burglar, and with the cops on his tail, he takes a couple hostage on Christmas Eve. A cynical, bickering couple made up of Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey, who have perfected the art of the domestic argument. In between their barking at each other and Leary trying to get them to shut up, smartass Junior comes home from military school, and the family drop in for Christmas dinner. With a family full of arguing hostages, Leary finds himself playing marriage counselor. There are few things more touching than having the guy who tied you to a chair with a bungee cord tell you to put your differences aside for Christmas and forgive each other.
Memorable moment: Leary, exhausted from the family’s bickering, mutters “Jesus” under his breath as he takes a bite out of a cookie shaped like a baby in a manger. But not as good as this monologue towards the end: “Do you know what your present is? I’m gonna buy a cannon, load some gun powder in it, shoot you to Jersey … I’m gonna steal a car, drive to Jersey, pick up your ashes in a big plastic bag, sip tea, watch the Charlie Brown Special, and watch your ashes burn in my fireplace!”
A pre-Lois Lane Margot Kidder and a post-Juliet Capulet Olivia Hussey lead a group of sorority girls trapped in their house during Christmas break by a faceless stalker, whose trademark is calling them on the phone and moaning. Most of the violence is shown off-screen, and an overused approaching camera shot doesn’t help the suspense very much, but considering this is the same director that would later give us Porky’s, it’s understandable. This oft-neglected stalker flick didn’t perfect the art of the genre, but it’s here because it predates several more popular imitators, most notably Halloween and Friday The 13th, all of which owe a little something to this one.
Memorable moment: The part where in Olivia Hussey’s very next movie after playing a sorority girl planning on getting an abortion while trying to avoid getting killed by a madman whom the cops think is her creepy boyfriend, she played the Virgin Mary.
Hasbro had a new line of G.I. Joe and Cobra action figures out for the upcoming holiday season, and what better way to promote them by having an episode in which the Cobras shrink down to action figure size in order to infiltrate the Joes’ Happy Holiday Wagon? While our Real American Heroes are on the way to deliver toys to needy children, the mini-Cobras use the Joes’ stuff to attack a nearby city and trick them into thinking that they’re being held hostage by G.I. Joe. Unfortunately for Cobra, their shrink way works in reverse as well, resulting in Shipwreck’s parrot to grow big enough to pick up an airplane and basically save Christmas.
Memorable moment: While trapped in a cooler and hanging on meat hooks, Shipwreck casually mentions that he could have a meaningful relationship with the piece of beef next to him. Cover Girl says his brain is frostbitten, to which he replies “Oh, come on. You’ve got no imagination!” I can’t make this up, guys. The Fensler Film redub of this scene has the exact same dialogue, only it ends with a clip of Roadblock offering to give the Christmas turkey he just cooked a body massage.
In a short five years, HomestarRunner.com has become one of the greatest and funniest uses of Flash on the internet, and its fans know to look forward to major holidays. In Homestar’s native “Free Country USA,” the Most Wonderful Time Of The Year™ is known as Decemberween, whose origins somehow involve a fisherman, the popular vote, and Kobe Bryant. It’s this out-of-left-field approach that makes the adventures of Homestar and Strong Bad so memorable, that I had to make room for it on the list.
Memorable moment: The very beginning of the site’s very first holiday toon, featuring a parody of the famous CBS rotating “SPECIAL” intro, which is arguably my favorite thing to ever air on television. Also, the part where Strong Bad says “Holy crap.” Oh, Strong Bad, you so crazy.
Bob Hope plays the title role, a likeable con artist with a sweet tooth for lemon candy. When he double crosses the wrong guy, he promises to pay him back by Christmas, resulting in a scramble to get the money in time. He sets up a fake Salvation Army station, with him dressed as Santa with a bell. When that doesn’t add up, he convinces some goons to get in on the sidewalk Santa act by creating a fake charity to “collect dough for old dolls.” When the mob boss he double crossed finds out about the Kid’s plan, he tries to take over the operation himself, and the Kid lets him take over in time to rat him out. Then, seeing the error of his ways, he donates the earnings to a retirement home. This one often gets overlooked in the Christmas movie genre, but in the movies starring Bob Hope genre, it’s one of his better and more light-hearted films.
Memorable moment: While walking down the street on an exceptionally cold, windy night, the Lemon Drop Kid steals a woolen sweater off the back of a nearby dog.
Fred Savage already won our hearts as a Vietnam-era everykid, a big-wheel riding kid who fills his squirtgun with pee, and a video game wizard’s older brother who gets to kiss the chick from Rilo Kiley. Now, in this TV movie, he shows us the spirit of Christmas. Trevor, who has just moved to Philly and isn’t happy about having to start his life over, meets a homeless old man named Cleveland while researching for a history project. Reluctant to make friends with the ratty looking stranger, it turns out that Cleveland has a knack for the subject, and offers to help him with his project … which is on the founding fathers. A real tough project for a bunch of high school kids IN PHILADELPHIA. Trevor learns to appreciate the fact that people on the streets have it tough, especially when a storm shuts down the power on Christmas Eve. Despite Trevor’s attempts to keep Cleveland warm, the old man doesn’t make it through the storm, but the imprint he made on Trevor’s heart is a Christmas gift he will never forget.
Memorable moment: The part where Cleveland dies, and then Fred Savage interrupts the story and says to his grandfather that he doesn’t really mean “dead,” right? Poor kid. At least he was grateful that this wasn’t a kissing story.
In another part of Philly, the Cosby Kids are rehearsing for a Christmas pageant at their junkyard clubhouse, which Tyrone, the mean old junkyard owner, is fixin’ to tear down. That’s when Marshall and his parents show up. With their car broken down, Marshall’s mom about to have a baby, and his dad without health insurance, the gang invite them in the clubhouse for shelter. Tyrone agrees to let them stay until the baby is born, in exchange for Fat Albert working for him as a sidewalk Santa. “Ho-ho-ho’s” in a Fat Albert fashion ensue. After the old hobo, Mudfoot, gives Tyrone a talking to about how he’s been grumpy at the world ever since his wife died, the junkyard owner has a change of heart, and promises to keep the gang’s clubhouse up.
Memorable moment: All the classic Cosby Kid metaphors are here.
Bill: “Russell, you’re like school during summer vacation.”
Russell: “School during summer vacation?”
Bill: “Yeah, no class.”Rudy: “Your face reminds me of a cat eating lemons.”
Tyrone: “A cat eating lemons?”
Rudy: “Yeah, a sourpuss.”
Made by much of the same team that made Superman: the Movie seven years prior, the lack of Richard Donner at the director’s helm hurt this one big time. Long before he was the Big Lebowski, David Huddleston played Claus, a northern European woodcarver with no children of his own, so he makes toys for all the children in a nearby village. When he and the Mrs. get trapped in a snowdrift on their way home from delivering gifts to the children in a neighboring village, they are rescued by elves, who have been waiting for someone just like him to help them bring happiness to all the children of the world. He learns the secrets of making reindeer fly, dilating time with some kind of wormhole, and other secrets to the job description. That’s the first half of the movie, and it’s a really good one up to this point. Then we steer into a plot about head elf Patch (Dudley Moore), who quits after ruining a year’s worth of Christmas toys. He meets up with B.Z. (John Lithgow), a scheming toy company CEO in the big city, who tricks him into revealing Santa’s secrets, so that he, can be the world’s foremost supplier of toys. Santa ventures into the city to save Patch … and his job, with the help of a homeless boy and a rich girl on the verge of disbelief. It’s a real shame the movie tanked at the box office, because it’s really worth seeing at least the first half of it.
Memorable moment: As thanks for helping save his job, Santa carves the homeless boy a toy. Gee, thanks Santa. Also the part where Santa asks the Dude why every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, that he has to compensate the owner, is a personal favorite.
This is the story of Bu (pre-Budnik Danny Cooksey), who despite being the son of the Troll King and Queen (Vincent Price and Cloris Leachman), isn’t very troll-like at all. All the other trolls in the kingdom have two heads, large noses, and no manners. So Bu is exiled from the Troll Kingdom for being different, and is left to find shelter in the humans’ world. It isn’t until he leaves the Troll Kingdom that we discover that trolls are tiny in size compared to us, a fun little Fraggle Rock effect that this toon really should’ve used to its advantage a little better. At any rate, Bu is taken in by a family of humans at Christmas, who teach him that God loves him, no matter what he looks like.
Memorable moment: When Bu encounters two little human girls, the elder of the two exclaims, “If he’s a troll, we should run as fast as we can!” Yeah, they find Bu in a bowl of fruit, hiding behind an apple. In theory, they could step on him, but God forbid he be a troll. They’d be better off RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES.
This is a twisted animated set of a dozen short but wacky Yuletide stories, including a horror rehash of the 12 Days of Christmas, a tale of a lovesick snowman, Grandma getting run over by a reindeer, an ugly tie who wants to be someone’s Christmas present, and Blitzen going on a trip to Vegas. Director Bill Plympton combines minimalist animation with bizarre, Jhonen Vasquez-esque humor that has quickly become a holiday staple on Cartoon Network in the past three years. If you get a chance to catch it, it’s definitely worth watching.
Memorable moment: My favorite bit is one about a snowflake that terrorizes a small village. It makes no sense, but it’s wonderfully hilarious.
Rankin/Bass is at it again, this time adding an interesting back story to the classic Moore poem. Albert is a mouse who happens to be stirring inside the Junctionville clock tower, frantically trying to fix the clock that he broke in time for the stroke of midnight on Christmas. That’s when it’s supposed to play a song of apology, begging Santa not to pass their town by. What’s with the apology? That would be Albert’s fault, too. After writing a letter to the newspaper about how Santa is a myth and blah blah blah, and the jolly one got so pissed off, that he put Albert’s entire town, human and rodent alike, on the naughty list. So local clocksmith Joshua Trundle has the idea of converting the clock tower into a giant music box alarm clock thing. How does he going pull off making a giant magical clock in time for Christmas? Simple. By believing in miracles, of course. They sing a song about it and everything.
Memorable moment: There’s the part where the mayor of Junctionville holds a town council meeting to figure out how to get back on Santa’s good list, or at least in worst case scenario, what to do with the 50 million pounds of coal they get. Enter Citizen Trundle. “Citizen?!” the mayor barks. “They’re not allowed in here! This is public property!” Way to stick it to the man, Rankin/Bass. The most memorable dialogue in the special, however, is Albert explaining to his father what happened when he tried to take a look inside the clock to see how it worked…
Father Mouse: “Kerplunk?!”
Albert: “Kerplooey!”
Two nonsense words. And only one shares a name with a platinum record. For shame.
Fresh from prison, con artists Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey (who inexplicably sounds like he got kicked in the nuts) trick their brother, Nicolas Cage, into delivering a Christmas note to a woman named Sarah in Paradise, Pennsylvania, from her father in prison. The real plan is to rob a hardly secure bank in the small town, but when they don’t make it out of town before a snowstorm hits, Cage persuades his brothers to drop the money off at a nearby church. They try to escape through the woods, but Carvey nearly drowns, and is saved by … the bank owner’s son. The family’s kindness to the strangers is unparalleled, and they don’t have it in their heart to reveal themselves as the robbers. Meanwhile, Sarah’s father shows up, holding the brothers’ mom hostage, as the bank heist was his idea. When it’s discovered that the money was dropped off at the church, the town defends the three when they’re taken in by the cops. Not particularly hilarious, but thanks to about a thousand or so showings on HBO, it’s quickly grown on me.
Memorable moment: When the boys’ mom gets kidnapped, she does everything but keep quiet, mouthing off lines such as “I wish I was a witch. I’d shove my broomstick right up your ass.”
Rankin/Bass adds a touching back story to the song about the boy who plays the drum for Baby Jesus. If you find having a little boy’s entire family killed, himself enslaved, and his dealing with his grief by hating all people touching, that is. That’s our little Aaron. His only friends are a sheep, a donkey and a camel. When the camel is sold to a trio of astrologers, Aaron uses the star they’re following as his guide in order to get his friend back. Along the way, the sheep gets RUN OVER BY A ROMAN CHARIOT, and Aaron continues to follow the star in hopes that the newborn king underneath it can help his friend. But what sort of gift can he give in exchange? Oh. Right. Drum solo.
Memorable moment: Aaron doesn’t hold back for his drum solo for Jesus. He plays the crap out of his little snare, like he’s the Keith Moon of the Nativity under the heavenly spotlight of David.
Harry the Cat and Tucker the Mouse are bummed out about the fact that Christmas in New York has become too commercialized, and long to bring back the holiday spirit. So they go searching of their old friend Chester, the famed musical Cricket in Times Square. Chester is found hanging out in Connecticut, and the journey back home in time for Christmas Eve is an adventure in itself. By the time they get back to the city, they discover that the power is out, and everybody’s scrambling to get home. Traffic gets backed up, and everybody’s screaming at each other. That’s when Chester arrives back in Times Square and plays a haunting rendition of “Silent Night.”
Memorable moment: Naturally, the “Silent Night” scene is the show stopper. When Chester starts playing, traffic stops dead, and everybody shuts up. It’s a powerful scene, and ranks among animator Chuck Jones’s best.
A production team including Matt Groening, Drew Barrymore and Michael Stipe helped turn this hilarious recent special into an instant holiday favorite. Olive (Barrymore) is a daydreaming dog, whose pet flea, Fido, is hard of hearing. So when he mishears a radio interview with Santa, in which he says that Blitzen has broken his leg, and it’ll take the help of ALL OF THE OTHER REINDEER to get Christmas off the ground … well, you can guess what he thought he heard. So, with the help of a hustling mobster penguin named Martini (Joe Pantoliano), Olive is convinced that she must travel to the North Pole and save Christmas, all the while avoiding a bitter postman (Dan Castellaneta), whose busy holiday schedule has finally gotten to him. Along the way, Olive meets other characters with names that sound like misheard song lyrics, such as Round John Virgin and Richard Stands.
Memorable moment: Near the beginning, Olive helps an animal family find a Christmas tree. A normal sized tree proves to be much too big, so Olive returns with a tree-shaped air freshener. Also, the handling of Rudolph is classic…
Olive: “Where’s Rudolph?”
Reindeer: “There’s no Rudolph! He’s just an urban legend.”
Bing’s final holiday special aired two months after his death, and as a result, is the most memorable. The highlight is a now legendary duet with David Bowie, in which they sing a medley of “Peace On Earth” and “Little Drummer Boy.” Bing didn’t know who the relatively new David Bowie was at the time, but his kids convinced him that he’d make a great addition to the show.
Memorable moment: Before they start singing, the two have a humorous dialogue. The best part is when they start talking about music.
Bowie: “Do you … do you like modern music?”
Crosby: “Oh, I think it’s marvelous! Some of it’s really fine … but tell me, have you ever listened to any of the older fellows?”
Bowie: “Oh yeah, sure. I like … John Lennon, and the other one with … Harry Nilsson.”
Crosby: “Mmm … you go back that far, eh?”
Bowie: “Yeah, I’m not as young as I look.”
Now you know why he didn’t care when Avril Lavigne screwed up his name.
Most people my age are just young enough to have missed this one, but I happene to have older relatives who had this on tape, and let me tell you … everything you’ve heard is true. It’s near unwatchable. George Lucas, himself, has stated that he’d destroy every copy if he had enough time and a hammer. But thanks to the power of the Internet, it’s earned a sort of legendary status.
The story centers around a certain galaxy far, far away’s answer to a holiday celebrating peace, called Life Day. Chewbacca returns to his home planet to be with his family, & helps them all prepare for the festivities. The special follows each character through their own preparations. Chewie’s son watches a cartoon about Boba Fett, who made his first appearance in this special, as it was prior to the Empire Strikes Back. We even see his father watch a veritable go-go dancer in the form of Diahan Carroll in a sparkly wig. We even get to check out what the Imperial Troops about to invade Chewie’s planet are up to on their way. One is watching a hologram of Jefferson Starship; another is watching a documentary on Tatooine, by Cantina owner Bea Arthur. Oh yeah, by the way, Darth Vader is invading Chewie’s planet. Luckily, Han, Luke & the rest arrive for the Life Day festivities just in time to save the day… or at least Chewie’s household. I don’t know what happened to the rest of the wookiees, because our heroes rushed off to go to Life Day World or wherever.
Memorable moment: During the Ceremony of Life, Princess Leia sings an absolutely horrible rendition of the main Star Wars theme, recounting the story of the first movie. Which is now the fourth movie. Also, Mark Hamill is wearing a ridiculous amount of make-up to hide his injured face. He had just gotten in a car wreck when they filmed the Holiday Special, and he looks he’s been getting fashion pointers from that fat chick Drew Carey worked with.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Cybernetic Ghost Of Christmas Past From The Future (2002)
Carl, the Aqua Teens’ greasy Italian neighbor, is visited by the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past … from the Future. It’s a skeleton-shaped robot with a Santa hat, who reveals that the water in Carl’s house has been turning to blood. As Frylock tries to get an answer out of the robot as to why this is, the robot tells the story of the Santa Claus figure of prehistoric ape-man, who had yet to perfect the idea of Christmas, making toys out of animal bones and poop, and resulting in a war between Elves from Mars. It’s finally revealed that Carl’s house is built on an ancient Elfian burial ground, but instead of offering himself sexually to the Martian elf god, Carl just does what anyone would do if the water in their house turned into blood … he sells the house to former Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig.
Memorable moment: After Carl sells his bloody house to Danzig, Shake tries to do the same thing by inviting Danzig into his HAUNTED KITCHEN!!11 In comes Meatwad under a bed sheet, moaning “Daaaanziiiig, you want somethin’ to eeeeeat?” After he leaves, the Ghost of Christmas Past comes out from the closet, and says “I cannot live with that guy. He is so annoying, he is so frightening, and he doesn’t wear a shirt.”
I used to love the short, seven-minute Disney cartoons starring the standard characters, when I still had the Disney Channel. This one finds Donald sledding and singing “Jingle Bells” on a snowy hill, when he spots his nephews building a snowman. He slides down the hill and destroys their masterpiece. Knowing that their uncle will try the same trick again, Huey, Dewey and Louie build their next snowman in front of a large rock, and from there it’s an all out snow war, involving life-size snow fortresses, bowling-pin-shaped ducks, and makeshift mortar using flaming coals to melt each other’s strongholds.
Memorable moment: Some of the stuff these ducks build is really impressive. Donald’s nephews may win in the end, but their uncle’s snow pirate ship is a sight to behold.
The original Brady family is reunited for the holidays. Except Cindy, whose replacement is at least hot enough for nobody to care. Everyone, however, is a little reluctant about the reunion. Mike just lost his architect job. So did Marcia’s husband. Greg’s wife ditches him for her own family. Jan and her husband are separating. Peter doesn’t want his family to know that he’s dating his boss. Bobby dropped out of school in pursuit of a career as a racecar driver. Cindy is just sick of being treated like a little girl. Even Alice makes the trip back after Sam the Butcher leaves her for a younger woman. The first night back is full of awkward silence, but in true Brady fashion, everything gets worked out. Mike gets his job back after saving two construction workers from a cave-in that wouldn’t have happened, had Mike not been fired. Marcia’s husband gets a job offer from the Bradys’ neighbor. Greg’s wife shows up. Bobby’s secret is revealed and accepted. Peter admits his girlfriend’s superiority, and then proposes to her. Cindy starts getting treated like a grown-up, and Sam comes back to Alice … in a Santa Claus suit. As for Jan and her husband …
Memorable moment: When Carol discovers that those two aren’t sleeping in the same room, she helps Jan and her husband straighten things out, and more or less suggests a round of make-up sex. In her own house. While everybody else is there. I can’t wait for Christmas at Mom and Dad’s when I get married.
This one stars the characters from the comic strip “Bloom County.” For Christmas, Opus (a penguin) considers himself an “aerodynamically challenged bird,” and wants more than anything else a pair of working wings. So he faxes a letter to Santa that reads: “As your records will show, Father Christmas, I am a bird. Specifically, a penguin. An embarrassing accident at birth, for which I do not blame my mother. I prefer to blame Congress.” The local flock of ducks laugh at his attempts to get off the ground, but when Santa’s sleigh crashes into a freezing lake, and the ducks can’t take the cold long enough to save him, that’s when Opus’ wings show their true worth. The ducks are so grateful that he saved Christmas, that they give him a ride in the sky on their backs as a granting of his wish.
Memorable moment: Opus has a nightmare that he’s behind the cockpit of the plane in the movie Lost Horizon, which is about to crash because HE CAN’T FLY. It’s not a particularly hilarious scene, as much as the fact that they went that far out of their way to make a joke is impressive.
This special was released in the early heyday of Pooh’s cartoon series, and is an exceptionally adorable story. Christopher Robin and his friends in the Hundred Acre Wood all write letters to Santa, put them in one big envelope, and let the wind blow it north. Unfortunately, the wind happened to be blowing south at the time, so it didn’t get very far. So Pooh, determined to let his friends have a Merry Christmas, dresses up as Santa Claus and makes gifts for all his friends … which all break. Pooh finally decides to just deliver the letter to Santa himself, but when Christmas arrives while he’s gone, his friends miss him. In the end, Christopher Robin arrives with Pooh on his new sled and delivers Santa’s gifts to everyone. I guess it was just easier to leave them all at Christopher Robin’s house.
Memorable moment: Eeyore hanging off the a Christmas Tree like a very heavy ornament and droning, in his depressing, nigh-monotone fashion, “Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.”
This environmentally aware special is the very first cartoon starring Bert Raccoon and his friends, as well as their evil pink anteater nemesis, lumber tycoon Cyril Sneer. In this special, the forest is mysteriously disappearing, and it’s Sneer’s unmatched greed behind it. He already has enough lumber to live off of, but he won’t rest until every tree is his. Little does he realize that he’s depriving animals of their homes, and that includes Ralph, Melissa and Bert Raccoon. At first, they believe that the forest ranger’s family have taken their tree for their own, to decorate, but when they try to get their tree back, the ranger’s dog, Schaeffer, gives them a chase. The two parties eventually realize their misunderstandings when they discover that it’s Sneer behind the disappearing forest phenomenon. They knock some sense into him by showing him that there aren’t any more trees in the forest for him to cut down, and that lumber tycoons normally plant new trees after themselves. The best part about this special is that Sneer never really learns his lesson. He just learns that focusing less on actually cutting down trees, and more on selling what he has and planting replacements, is more profitable. In gratitude for his new business strategy, Sneer delivers a new tree to the Raccoons.
Memorable moment: When the Raccoons wake Schaeffer up, the angry dog chases the Raccoons through the house and out into the forest, and somehow a random XTR33M ride on an ice sled sailing thing becomes involved. The end of the chase follows the unwritten cartoon law of snow chases that requires one involved party to stumble and roll down a hill in the form of a giant snowball. Schaeffer is that lucky party here, and he brings the Raccoons with him as they crash right into Cyril Sneer’s lumber factory.
This irreverent, 5-minute stop-motion cartoon was the template for what would eventually become South Park. Matt Stone and Trey Parker had made a Christmas toon out of construction paper before, but in this commission for a Hollywood exec’s Christmas card, the four main characters actually have distinct personalities. Jesus Christ, himself, shows up in South Park, searching of Santa Claus, whom he claims has ruined the meaning of his birthday. The two engage in a battle to a death, and force the children to choose between them. The boys do the right thing by calling on the help of ice skating champion Brian Boitano, who reminds them that Christmas is a time for peace on Earth. So Jesus takes Santa out for an orange smoothie, and the boys realize the true meaning of Christmas … presents. And hey, if you’re Jewish, you get presents for 8 days!
Memorable moment: The fight scene, itself, is the natural defining moment, complete with music taken directly from “Mortal Kombat II,” Jesus and Santa throwing projectiles at each other, and of course, a statue falling on Kenny. But Stan’s line when Jesus states that tomorrow is his birthday is classic … “Your birthday is on Christmas?! That sucks, dude!”
South Park has made Christmas an annual tradition, and each year, the life lesson gets hidden deeper and deeper within the twisted plot. This year’s episode involved Stan accidentally helping a group of satanic woodland creatures give birth to the anti-Christ in the form of a baby porcupine. However, it’s in the first holiday episode that the spirit of Christmas truly shines. When Kyle’s mother objects to the Nativity scene in the school play, which his son is in, people with other beliefs get in on the act. Environmentalists demand that the tree be taken out, and people with epilepsy want to get rid of the lights. In the midst of all this, Kyle tries to introduce them to a nondenominational holiday icon that loves everyone equally … a piece of anthropomorphic feces named Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Memorable moment: Cartman’s improvised Christmas carol, entitled “Kyle’s Mom Is A Stupid Bitch” (in D-minor). Which actually starts in C, but like you care. Also, this is the first time ever that Kenny makes it through an episode without dying.
In this hilarious twist on the Christmas Carol story, Ebeneezer Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson) is unlike the rest of his family bloodline, in that he is kind-hearted and generous. As any fan of the series knows, the Blackadders have always been fast-witted bad guys. Then, on Christmas Eve night, Ebeneezer and his servant, Baldrick, are visited by the Spirit of Christmas (Hagr Robbie Coltrane), who takes him through time to witness the mean-spirited behavior of his ancestors. A montage of earlier Black Adder shows are used at this point, and the show even parodies itself when they head into the future, to check in on Starship Commander Blackadder in the Space Age. In the end, Ebeneezer wakes up Christmas morning, and realizes the true secret of life … bad guys have all the fun.
Memorable moment: Ebeneezer gives Baldrick his Christmas gift. “It’s a fist. It’s for hitting people with.” [PUNCH] “And the great thing is, you can use it again and again!” [PUNCH]
What this movie lacks in originality, it makes up for in child star power. A single-digit-aged Thora Birch plays Hallie, who wants her divorced parents to get back together for Christmas. Her brother, a barely teen-aged Ethan Embry (credited as Ethan Randall here) plays … Ethan, who is touched by Hallie’s wish, and convinces their grandmother to help reunite their parents. Hey, it worked for Jan Brady. Hallie, on the other hand, takes her petition to a bumbling mall Santa, played by Leslie Nielsen in true Nielsen fashion. Of course, since it’s a Christmas movie, the parents do end up rekindling their love and getting back together. It’s nice to see Christmas wishes coming true and all, but the ending probably would’ve been better if Hallie could’ve just learned that her parents still love each other as family, but the marriage thing doesn’t always work out, and that doesn’t change their love for their children. Oh well. Christmas wishes for everybody! I want a pony.
Memorable moment: Most of Thora Birch’s lines. It’s almost like watching pre-crisis Enid Coleslaw. Particularly her explanation on how she knows Nielsen is the real Santa, as opposed to all the other mall Santas around: “Simple … he’s at Macy’s.”
It’s rare for a book-to-movie adaptation to be successfully translated, one hundred percent. Luckily, the Best Christmas Pageant Ever was a short book. A young Fairuza Balk narrates the tale of her classmates, the Herdmans, a group of poor kids in an otherwise well-to-do WASP neighborhood, who show up in church to be a part of the annual Christmas pageant. Fairuza’s mother, the director (Hot Lips from M*A*S*H), is delighted with the challenge, and gives the Herdmans all the pageant’s intricate roles, including the no-nonsense Imogene as Mary, and little ADD-stricken Gladys as the angel. Needless to say, the other kids’ parents get to talking, and have very little to say in the nice department, but Fairuza’s mom reminds them that these kids could use some preaching to, and what better way to learn about Christmas than putting on a play about the first one? Sure, many of the rehearsals end in disaster, and the play hardly goes on without a hitch, but it DOES go on, and the results are laughably cute.
Memorable moment: Easily Gladys’ big entry as the angel. With her ratty sneakers sticking out from under her robe, she runs in late down the aisle, screaming “Hey! HEY! Unto you a child is born! And it’s Jesus! So go on, go on!” It’s one of the most adorable scenes ever written.
Fred Flintstone is cast as “Ebonezer Scrooge” in a Bedrock production “A Christmas Carol,” by “Charles Brickens.” You see, because it’s the Stone Age, everybody’s surname is taken from a type of rock or fossil or dinosaur. For example: Barney RUBBLE is playing the role of Bob CRAGIT, and instead of Mike Fireball, I would be Mike Giant Volcanic Rock. At any rate, Fred is getting a little too into his role as the stingy star of the show, and as a result, forgets all about his family for Christmas. Wilma, of course, won’t have it, and as the play’s director, she doesn’t hesitate to put Fred in his place when she has to. To make matters worse for him, a 24-hour sickness called the Bedrock Bug is going around, resulting in Wilma having to take over some of the other characters, including Belle. In between acts, Fred rushes out to pick up the family’s gifts, which he left at the mall, and finally manages to patch things up, partially while he’s in character. Bamm-Bamm, as Tiny Tim, has the honors of the play’s last line, and delivers it in true Dickens fashion.
Memorable moment: At the end, when Fred is making his apologies, he highlights among his list of things he’ll do to make it up to his family the fact that he’ll invite Wilma’s mother over for dinner. I like how “I’ll even be nice to my mother-in-law!” is always the way to a woman’s heart in cartoons like this. Oh yeah, and then Fred gets the Bedrock Bug and almost pukes on everybody.
It’s Christmastime in Bedrock. Never mind the part about the Stone Age predating Jesus. It also predated household appliances, but that never stopped talking animals to shrug it off and say, “Eh, it’s a living lol!” Mr. Slate makes Fred dress up as Santa Claus for his wife’s Women’s Auxiliary Christmas Party, but when the real Santa shows up and twists his ankle after falling off of Fred’s neglected roof, he convinces Fred and Barney to take over his job for the night. The two lose some gifts in a snowstorm, and are forced to pick up replacements at the North Pole. This pit stop makes him late for the Christmas party. Not the whole having to hit every prehistoric, pre-Christian house in one night thing. Santa let Fred and Barney borrow his magic secret or whatever to pull that off. But I guess they forgot to use it when they had to stop at the North Pole. So while he does show up late to the party, he still has Santa’s magic bag, so he manages to deliver gifts to all the needy children at the Christmas party.
Memorable moment: At Fred and Barney’s first stop as honorary Santas, Fred can’t figure out how to get back up the chimney. So he just heads for the front door, only to be attacked by the family dog … er, dinosaur.
This Christmas parable is about the holiday’s hot new toy, a doll named Buzzsaw Louie. When you push its nose, it tells you what Christmas is all about … getting stuff! This is the doing of greedy toymaker Wally P. Nezzer, but one rebellious Buzzsaw Louie toy doesn’t like his function. So he runs away in search for the real meaning of Christmas. Soon, he meets up with a bunch of talking vegetables who tell him about Jesus. In case you skimmed over that last sentence by mistake, a magical wooden toy meets a group talking vegetables who tell stories about God. And it’s AWESOME. I don’t care what you do or do not believe in; you have to hand it to the VeggieTales crew for coming up with an original idea and making it funny without having to try too hard, or shoving the message down unwilling throats.
Memorable moment: Little Percy the Pea complains to his dad that “Billy has more toys than me!” His dad asks, “Who’s Billy?” “I don’t know, but he has more toys than me! WAHHHH!” Also, the whole story is actually being told to little Annie the Onion by her Grandpa George, and at one point, he randomly tries to end the story by going, “And so, the pig and the giant lizard brought the boy back to his family at the bowling alley, and they all lived happily ever after. THE END.”
Besides having better animation, this second Christmas movie also has a more interesting story. Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber play the parts of Cavis Appythart and Millward Phelps, a Gilbert and Sullivan type pair in late 19th Century London. The two plan to open their musical, “The Princess and the Plumber”, on Christmas Eve, proclaiming that it will teach London how to love. They want their opening night to be such a success, that they even attempt to get the children of St. Bart’s to cancel their Nativity play, set for the same evening. The children’s play even attracts more attention by stating that it will feature the Star of Christmas, a religious artifact that hasn’t been seen by the public in decades. Naturally, Cavis and Millward discover that St. Bart’s Nativity play portrays the true meaning of Christmas, and promote their pageant. And by “naturally,” I mean and “after being chased down by an angry Irish carrot named Moyer the Destroyer for trying to steal the Star of Christmas.”
Memorable moment: The explanation of the Star’s history. “One of the finest existing examples of sixth-century metalwork, given by St. Gregory the Great to the monks at Canterbury August 14, 592. This astonishing gold and silver five-point star later decorated the courts of King Edward the Confessor, William the Conqueror, and James the Lethargic before coming to rest at the church you see behind you in 1638. The star hasn’t been publicly displayed since February 12, 1803, due to the perceived security risks from the reigns of King Charles the Greedy and Cedric the I’ll-Eat-Anything-Star-Shaped.”
Shut up; it counts. Hans Gruber and company take over the Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve, during a holiday party. That’s all the reason I need. There’s also the subplot involving John McClane staying in New York, while his wife moves out to L.A., thanks to a promotion. He didn’t think Holly would make it, and would come crawling back to him. And now that he sees she’s doing just fine, he’s mad that she’s using her maiden name, and then they forgive each other because it’s Christmas, and also because John just saved everybody’s lives from a bunch of terrorists.
Memorable moment: Do I even have to answer this?
GRUBER: “You have me at a loss. You know my name, but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he’s John Wayne? Rambo? Marshall Dillon?”
McCLANE: “I was always kind of partial to Roy Rogers actually. I really dig those sequined shirts.”
GRUBER: “Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy?”
McCLANE: “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.”
Ranger Smith especially loves winter in Jellystone Park, not only because the Jellystone Ski Lodge is open for operation, but also because of the lack of Yogi Bear, who is supposed to be hibernating until April. Unfortunately, Christmas carols sung by some of his friends visiting the lodge wakes Yogi and Boo-boo up from their seasonal slumber. So they decide to check out what’s up with all the white stuff on the ground. Mrs. Throckmorton, the lodge’s owner, takes a liking to Yogi’s character, and gives him a job as a bellboy. Considering she’s planning on shutting down the lodge after this season due to some “strange goings-on” last year, it doesn’t matter that much to her in the beginning. Meanwhile, the man responsible for the “strange goings-on” is Herman the Hermit, a nearby mountain dweller who hates Christmas, and will do anything to shut down the lodge. When Mrs. Throckmorton’s spoiled-rotten nephew, Snivley, sneaks away to team up with Herman, everyone goes out to look for him. Yogi eventually finds the two, invites Herman to the lodge for Christmas dinner, and warms his heart by dressing up like Santa and giving him a present. Mrs. T is so delighted to have her nephew back, that she decides to keep Jellystone Lodge open, and make Yogi like the assistant manager or something. For a frigging bear, he sure knows how to get up in company hierarchy.
Memorable moment: Cindi Bear discovers the tradition of mistletoe, and hangs some all over the entire lobby in a desperate attempt to try and get Yogi to make out with her.
Sure, this is just another rendition of the old HEY GUYS LET’S PUT ON A SHOW IN THE BARN plot, but of all the jazz-era song and dance holiday flicks, and especially of the ones starring Bing Crosby, this is probably the most popular. Bing Crosby is back, this time as a WWII vet (which, remember, ended just nine years prior) who has developed a variety act with his buddy, Danny Kaye. The two agree to help two sisters (Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen) get patrons to their ski lodge in Vermont, which is short on snow this year. All the while, Danny is trying to hook Bing up with the right girl. Meanwhile, the lodge turns out to be owned and operated by their old army general, and with his help, they put on a Broadway-level show to draw crowds to the lodge. And, as you can probably guess, the long-awaited snow arrives by the end of the movie, just in time for Bing to sing the title track.
Memorable moment: Most would argue the aforementioned title song, and a few others would vote for the awkward moment between Danny and Vera-Ellen, where she tries to make the excuse, “Maybe it’s just the music …” “Maybe it ISN’T only the music,” Danny replies. My favorite line, however, is when Bing is on the phone trying to get an estimate as to how much putting on this show is going to cost.
CROSBY: “… Wow.”
KAYE: “How much is wow?”
CROSBY: “We’ve got a big show to do, buster.”
KAYE: “HOW MUCH IS WOW”
CROSBY: “Right up there between … ouch and boing.”
KAYE: ” … Wow.”
When two children come knocking on Gargamel’s door to help their fallen grandfather in the woods, he of course shoos them away. Minutes later, a dark stranger requests that Gargamel help him find those kids, whose father double-crossed him years ago. In exchange, he offers Gargamel a magic scroll with information on how to destroy his little blue nemeses. The Smurfs, themselves, meet up with the children first, saving them from a wolf and inviting them to their Christmas celebration. Gargamel sneaks in and grabs the kids, and as promised, the cloaked stranger delivers the scroll. But when the magic doesn’t work quite as planned, Gargamel follows the stranger, who turns on him, throwing him into a sacrificial circle of fire with the children. Yeah, a circle of hellfire in a frigging Smurfs cartoon. What our heroes do to save their friends (and Gargamel) is nothing short of amazing.
Memorable moment: That song. That terrible, magical song. To counter the mysterious wizard guy’s evil magic, Papa Smurf leads his entire tribe in singing “Goodness makes the badness go away” over and over. As loud and as obnoxious as possible. But it isn’t until they make Gargamel join in that the wall of fire dies down, and the wizard vanishes with it.
For as long as I can remember, Batman has been my favorite comic hero. So I snuck him on this list twice, but both are well-deserved. This Tim Burton sequel, featuring the Bat’s struggle with the Penguin and Catwoman, was underappreciated, but one thing’s for sure … it DID take place at Christmastime. In fact, the Christmas in Gotham City adds to the film’s dark, faux-cheery atmosphere. The Bat and the Cat make an exchange about the dangers of mistletoe. “Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it,” Batman says. Catwoman counters, “A kiss can be deadly if you mean it.” The two interchange quotes later in the film. The Penguin’s giant duck-shaped tank launches missiles that look like candy canes. Still not enough holiday cheer? Near the beginning of the movie, the city is opening the season with its annual tree lighting ceremony, when a giant wrapped gift box rolls into Gotham Plaza, and out pops the Red Triangle Circus Gang to blow stuff up. Merry Christmas, you heathen! Now people are dead!
Memorable moment: The part where somebody makes a joke related to the fact that Catwoman is dressed up like a cat. Oh, man. What a riot.
Christmas came to Pac-Land when Santa’s sleigh, as it often likes to do when Hanna-Barbara draws him, crashes in a violent snow storm. The original video game icon and his wife open their home to the mysterious stranger, offering a cup of Power Pellet cocoa to regain his energy. When Santa explains his job to them, Packy and his Pac-pooch, Chomp-chomp, brave the storm in search for Santa’s bag o’ stuff. But after an encounter with the ghosts, he barely makes it back. Then, when the time comes for Santa to take back to the skies, Pac-Man has to persuade the ghosts to let them pass in the spirit of the holidays. Yeah, please give us enough room to make this fat alien’s sled fly, because he’s celebrating some occasion we’ve never heard of. Of course, one look in Santa’s eyes, and the ghosts have no choice but to feel bad for him. Once airborne, the jolly one repays everyone for their kindness, including the ghosts. It’s a posthumous Christmas in Pac-Land!
Memorable moment: Pac-Man leads Santa’s reindeer to the Power Pellet Forest to regain their energy. A bit risky, considering they’re a whole other, non-spherical species from parts unknown. Sure enough, it works so well, that the reindeer start glowing with power. At least I hope it’s power, and not radiation, or else you might want to start leaving Santa’s cookies on a paper plate.
Forget everything you think you know about the man in red. L. Frank Baum, who’s most famous for penning the Wizard of Oz, has reinvented the origins of Santa Claus from the ground up. Baum tells a very pagan story in which Claus was found as a baby by the immortal spirits of the forest. The beginning sequence shows a governing council of immortals gathering to discuss the fate of the now elderly Santa, who may or may not be making his final trip around the globe, depending on whether the council decides to give him the gift of eternal life. The Great Ak, the ruler of the world’s forests and the one who found Claus as a baby, takes his case to the council, explaining how he found the human outside the immortal Forest of Burzee, left him in the care of a fairy sprite, and when old enough, explained to him the pains of the mortal world. Greed and envy had overcome it, and Claus was so moved by his kind’s unhappiness, that he vowed to bring joy to as as he could. He started small, by making toys for the children of a small village. But as time passed, and after thwarting evil, invisible spirits who feed on sorrow, Santa Claus became the international man of mystery he is today. So of course, the council of immortals let him join their little club. They have pizza night every Friday.
Memorable moment: The other guy with the big nose in the picture is called Tingler. He helps raise Claus when he’s a boy, and he’s quite the interesting character. He has a tendency to repeat everything he says in several different languages … including animal sounds. A simple negative answer, with Tingler, turns into “No! Nein! Nyet! Chirp-chirp! ROAR! Whatever the squirrel equivalent for ‘no’ is!” Also, besides the name, the similarities between him and Tingle from the Legend of Zelda are uncanny.
This special and its accompanying record has been part of every single Christmas I can remember. It features the title’s namesakes putting on a Christmas production of Christmas carols, a scene about a toy soldier at war and missing the doll he loves, and a Nativity scene. The actual togetherness is debatable. The opening credits, I swear to Jesus, say “John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together … starring John Denver!” Oh, is that who’s in this? I forgot. Thanks for reminding me. The problem with this special is that you have the Muppets spending more time around John Denver than actually with him. More like A Christmas In The Same Room As Each Other. Yet the mere fact that it has Muppets in it has an eerie power that keeps drawing me back to it every Christmas. Still, it does get slow at times. I have home movies of me when I was 4, and it’s playing in the background while I’m diverting my attention from it as I help my parents decorate the Christmas tree jump all over the furniture as my parents decorate the Christmas tree.
Memorable moment: While looking over the script, Miss Piggy suggests that “good will toward men” be changed to “good will toward men and women.” John explains that they took the line from out of the Bible, and that’s when Piggy interrupts again and explains that the Bible is filled with “This one begat that one, and that one begat the other one … with all this begetting going on, there’s surely a great deal of good will toward women in the Bible.” I’m not kidding. She actually says that. I can’t believe I never caught it before.
Predating Rankin/Bass’s version by two decades, this Max Fleischer short was the first to bring Rudolph to life. It more closely followed the actual song, without introducing any outside characters. One highlight is the actual reindeer games, which consist in part of testing out some of the year’s toys, like toy trains and baseball bats. Also, Rudolph and his mother live in a regular log cabin, his mother often standing on her hind legs and wearing an apron around the house. Then, one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa bursts into the depressed reindeer’s room and asks for his help. Not nearly as heartwarming as the stop-animation one, but this one earns its antlers not only having bringing Rudolph to life for the first time, but doing so in beautiful animation for the time.
Memorable moment: To hide from the “other reindeer,” who don’t do a very good job laughing or calling him names, basically dancing around and singing the glowing nose equivalent to “Michael Michael Motorcycle,” Rudolph hides behind a berry bushel (No!), where his nose blends in perfectly.
Nobody really knew Will Vinton by name, and people still don’t, but when the words “featuring the California Raisins” followed the title, that was reason enough to tune into this primetime special. Hosted by Rex and Herb, a T-rex and a triceratops from Vinton’s short “Dinosaur,” the two introduce different clay segments of Christmas carols. During their introductions, different groups of cart vendors show up, messing up the words to “Here We Come A Wassailing,” making it waffling, waddling, wallowing, etc. So while Herb is pigging out at each vendor, Rex attempts to figure out what “wassail” actually means. The shorts, naturally, are the highlight. Two walruses ice skate to “Angels We Have Heard On High,” which is funny because fat things ice skating=lol, and Vinton shows off what he can do with clay and a stop-motion camera with a stained glass fireworks display to the tune of “Joy To The World.” As for the California Raisins, they miss their bus after a show, and then go into a familiar-sounding soul version of “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” build a makeshift sleigh out of a couch and a dumpster, and fly home.
Memorable moment: The Carol of the Bells sequence, performed by the Notre Dame Bell Choir. They’re actual, anthropomorphic bells with mallets to hit themselves on the head with. When one exceptionally stupid Middle C bell squishes a bug and throws his mallet away, Maestro Quasimodo hits him with a slingshot to end the performance.
Futurama’s two Christmas episodes made creative and hilarious use of the “telephone game” effect of oral tradition, in which some information gets lost and others merged with time and distance. In “Xmas Story,” Fry, a twentieth century boy who was frozen and woke up to find himself in the year 3000, learns that the holiday he once knew as Christmas is now called “Xmas,” and it’s a time of year no one looks forward to. Back in the 27th century, a robotic Santa Claus was built to determine which kids were naughty and which ones were nice. After a Dr. Wily-esque mishap, Santa malfunctioned, and has since put everyone on the naughty list by default. Also, if you’re naughty, he murders you. When Santa comes down the chimney of the Planet Express, he judges everyone on board as naughty … except for Dr. Zoidberg, a Jewish-esque crustaceoid. He gets a pogo stick, which he uses to cut the ceiling wires and give Santa an electric shock, causing him to fly out of the chimney.
In the other Xmas episode episode, “A Tale of Two Santas,” the Planet Express unintentionally freeze the evil Santa in a block of ice. With the evil Santa out of the way, Fry decides to reintroduce the world to the 20th Century Santa by giving Bender a shot at the gift-giving gig. The children of the world, however, still think Bender is the evil Santa robot, and he’s eventually arrested and put on trial. Sentenced to be executed, Bender’s friends suddenly enter the courtroom, claiming to be the real Santa. The confusion stalls the execution long enough for the real evil Santa to thaw himself out, show up, and go on a shooting rampage. Xmas is saved, and thankfully, so is Bender.
Memorable moment: The other guys already gave honors to the part during the Sparticus homage scene in “A Tale Of Two Santas,” in which everyone busts into the courtroom dressed as Santa, and Zoidberg attempts to help out by proclaiming, “And I’m his friend, Jesus!” Surely, that’s his greatest moment, but there’s a part earlier in the episode that made me laugh almost as hard. The prosecution lawyer, a giant blue chicken with a southern accent not unlike Colonel Sanders, is questioning a little girl that Bender tried to give a present to. “Now Pamela, I know it’s scary in that there witness box, but t’ain’t no need to fear meBUKAWWWWK! … I’m sorry, I thought you was corn.”
This umpteenth retelling of “A Christmas Carol” finds the Nearsighted Mr. Magoo playing Scrooge in a play. Unfortunately, there are next to no jokes about how he has poor eyesight, so he really only LOOKS like Magoo. I’ll call him Magooge. It’s more verbatim Dickens than most popular-cartoon-character-plays-Scrooge specials, but it adds some original songs. One sung by the Cratchet family finds Tiny Tim, played by Gerald McBoing-Boing, who went through the trouble of learning his lines in English as opposed to … um, boing noises … asking their father for “razzleberry dressing.” I’ve never heard of a razzleberry, but Tiny Tiny won’t shut up about it. Also, when Link to the Christmas Past takes Magooge to visit his childhood self, they sing a song in perfect harmony, and the boy Magooge mysteriously knows when to pause for his future spirit, and then when to start singing again. It’s like when you’re in the car and you only sing the harmony parts, only reversed.
Memorable moment: In the glimpse of the future, Magooge is too stupid to figure out that he dies. An undertaker shows some cufflinks he swiped from some dead guy. They’ve got his frigging initials on them, and he’s still like, “Aww, poor dead guy. I’d hate to be him.” I’m paraphrasing that, of course.
Somehow, Pee-wee Herman managed to cram about a dozen special guest stars into his playhouse for a Christmas party. Pee-wee teachers Little Richard how to ice skate. Then Charo shows up and teaches Pee-wee how to say “Feliz Navidad,” before joining k.d. lang and the Del Rubio Triplets in singing carols. Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello make Christmas cards. Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah keep trying to wish Pee-wee a Happy New Year, but keep getting screamed at, because YEAR is the day’s secret word. And Grace Jones gets mailed to the White House. In the midst of all this, Santa calls Pee-wee on the picture phone and asks him to shorten his Christmas list, so that, you know, some OTHER children on the planet could get some stuff. Pee-wee does him one better by helping Santa deliver them. Oh, and by the way, this thing somehow got nominated for three Emmys.
Memorable moment: Basketball legend Magic Johnson (pre-Crisis) shows up and goes on a sleigh ride with Pee-wee inside Magic’s distant cousin … Magic Screen.
It may be a little too early to put this entry so high on the list, but after seeing it, and think it’s worth the assumption that it will soon become as much of a staple to the holidays as Rudolph and Frosty. Based on the children’s book by Chris Van Allsburg, the Polar Express is about a boy on the verge of disbelief in Santa Claus. Hoping to at least hear some sleigh bells as he drifts off to sleep on Christmas Eve, he instead hears a loud train whistle. To his surprise, he finds a giant train parked out front his house. It’s bound for the North Pole, and filled with children in their pajamas who, like him, are just old enough for this Santa crap, but still hope to see something magical before the night is through. Tom Hanks plays just about every adult male character, including the train’s conductor, a hobo hitching a ride, Scrooge, and Santa Claus, himself. And, thanks in part to the magic of computer animation, they all look like Tom Hanks. Isn’t Christmas magical?
Memorable moment: The part where Robert Zemeckis can’t make a movie with a train in it without having someone pull the whistle cord and saying “I wanted to do that my whole life!” The boy did it in this one, and Doc Brown did it in 1885.
One of the UK’s greatest comedy weapons, Rowan Atkinson plays Mr. Bean, a clumsy man-child of little words. Bean episodes were very similar to the slapstick comedy from the days of silent pictures, and this Christmas special is among the most memorable episodes. While out doing some last minute Christmas shopping for his girlfriend, Bean finds himself playing with a miniature nativity set, much like one would play with action figures. Later, he conducts a Salvation Army band, who follow his baton’s every moment, including the unintentional ones. Before the night is through, Bean has stolen the Christmas tree from the town square, won a free turkey in “guess how much this weighs” contest, and forces Christmas carolers to sing for him longer than intended. Then, it’s time for dinner…
Memorable moment: Having an awfully hard time basting his Christmas turkey, Bean loses his watch in it. The turkey ends up on his head, and stays there for a good four or five minutes. I’ve never heard a studio audience laugh so hard in my entire life, and the scene was so funny, that it was actually used again in later episodes of the show.
This Oscar-nominated feature is creepy tale on the brink of the Second World War begins with an old squirrel visiting his grandchildren for Christmas. Upon singing “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” the young squirrels ask him what “men” are. They’re never heard of such a thing, and rightly so, because in this short, HUMANS ARE EXTINCT. The grandfather squirrel tells of a great war that came down to the last two people in the world, who shot each other dead. Later, when the forest animals would reclaim the planet, they discovered a book that outlined a life of peace, and that brings us to our happy Christmas ending. With no people.
Memorable moment: The part where no one is reading this right now because we were never born, and squirrels have no need to invent things like the Internet.
This was director Don Bluth’s last project with Disney, before moving on to Fox and making such films as the Secret of NIMH, An American Tail, and that Dragon’s Lair video game. Small One is the name of a donkey owned by a young Judean boy. When the boy’s father breaks it to him that Small One is a runt that he can’t keep, the boy is forced to sell it in town. Scared off by the town’s ruthless swindlers and a garment tanner, the boy can’t find anyone to sell Small One to that’ll love him as much as he does. When all hope is lost, and Small One is ready to sacrifice his frigging life to the tanner so that his master can get a bite to eat, in comes a man named Joseph, who could use a donkey gentle and kind enough to carry his pregnant wife through the desert. I bet you didn’t see that one coming as soon as you saw the word “donkey.”
Memorable moment: The boy’s sales pitch. “He’s gentle and kind.” We’re reminded of the donkey’s gentleness and kindness about a dozen more times before the special is over.
Michael Caine does a wonderful job playing the grave and serious Scrooge, especially considering his costars are all made of felt. Gonzo plays Charles Dickens, himself, as he tells the tale of Scrooge. The story is a short and hurried version of the same, and the original Muppets made for the three spirits are nice to see, but it’s no surprise that the highlights are picking out the Muppet performers, who don’t exactly get into character. Sure, Scrooge refers to him as Bob Cratchit, but it’s no more than Kermit in a funny suit and hat. Scrooge is visited by his two bosses, Jacob and Robert Marley, played by Statler and Waldorf, and later returns to his past, when he worked for Fozziwig.
Memorable moment: As charity workers Bunsen and Beaker are walking out the door, Beaker FLIPS SCROOGE THE BIRD. Well, he only has four fingers, and the gesture of the fingers isn’t there, but the position of the arm and Beaker’s mean meep make it obvious that he’s got two words for Mr. Scrooge … MEEP MEEP.
When B reminded me that I forgot this one, I revised my entire list just to fit it on there. It’s that important. So I can’t really yell at whoever was in charge of compiling “The Christmas Wonder Years” DVD set for not including this particular episode.
Wait. Yes I can. It was their JOB to pick the BEST episodes of the Wonder Years out of all episodes involving Christmas. Screw you guys. Cutlip is awesome.
Since he’s the one who remembered it, I’m going to let B do the commentary for this one:
While at the mall buying clothes with his mother, Kevin makes a startling discovery: the mall Santa is actually his gym teacher, Coach Cutlip. The discovery and Cutlip’s awareness of such leads to an easier gym class for Kevin, which alienates him from the friends he left stuck doing the President’s Physical Fitness Challenge. In an effort to explain, he lets slip that Cutlip works at the mall, but doesn’t tell them where. This gets them determined to go to the mall, find Cutlip, and make a fool out of him.
When the special treatment becomes too much, Kevin confronts the coach in his office and makes it clear that he isn’t going to tell anybody about Cutlip’s stupid job as Santa. Cutlip, in a completely out-of-nowhere but welcome moment of sublime humanity, says that he took the job as a mall Santa because he wanted little kids to like him. That’s the saddest thing ever. Cutlip wants the kids to like him, but the only way he knows how is through Christmas, and by giving them something to believe in. Kevin rightly feels like shit and promises the secret will be kept, until he realizes that he’s already let the secret slip.
Memorable moment: Later, Kevin rushes to the mall to let Cutlip know the guys are coming, but Cutlip (accompanied by a Christmas choir) stands up and lets Kevin know that he isn’t ashamed of what he’s doing, and he’ll take whatever he gets. The boys arrive and Kevin tries to herd them away, until they see Cutlip standing tall in the center of the mall. They each take turns noticing him, looking him in the eyes. Kevin is sure that they know until he sees them smile, and realizes that when they look they don’t see Coach Cutlip. All they see is Santa.
I think of this, and of Linus, and I hope that my child gets to hold on to that sweetness and simplicity of Christmas for as long as she can. Even if she’s sitting on the lap of a gym teacher.
It’s Christmas Eve, and a fresh-out-of-the-nuthouse has set up an entire holiday-themed series of traps for Batman and Robin, including giant toy soldiers with guns, and a live broadcast of the Joker as he parodies his favorite classic Christmas specials, starring his family of hostages: members of Gotham’s police force and justice system. Along the way, Batman and Robin have to stop a train from derailing, and avoid a giant cannon firing at their heads, among other obstacles. That’s what I loved about Batman’s enemies. Their plans of murder were always so calculated, especially the Joker’s, who didn’t mind at all bumping off a few dozen people if it meant keeping Batman occupied for a while, until his masterpiece murder plan was complete. The Christmas theme all fit together like a symphony, and the Joker loved watching every bit of it.
Memorable moment: At the very beginning of the episode, the Joker catapolts himself out of Arkham Asylum. Using a Christmas tree and singing the Batman variation of “Jingle Bells” from grade school, with impeccable timing on the part where he got away. Love that Joker.
Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town (1970)
Fred Astaire plays the postman in charge of delivering all our letters to Santa in this Rankin/Bass retelling of the Santa Claus story. This time around, Santa is left on the doorstep of the Kringles, an elfin family of toymakers. You’ll never guess what they name him. As he grows up, he takes on the job of delivering the Kringles’ toys to the children of a nearby town, much to the demise of the grumpy Burgermeister, who outlaws toys. After melting the heart of the magical Winter Warlock, Santa learns how to freeze time, and how to make reindeer fly using magic corn. Corn with fairy dust makes reindeer fly, friends.
Memorable moment: When Santa melts the Winter Warlock’s cold heart … by giving him a choo-choo train. The dude has lived centuries with a subzero organ, and it’s suddenly back in operation thanks to a toy train. The last gift I got that could’ve melted my heart, had it been covered in internal organ ice, was a Super Nintendo.
The vast majority of us didn’t know the Simpsons by name when this special came out. They were just that funny cartoon family on the Tracy Ullman show. But when the commercials started airing, and we saw the rude yellow family we all made sure to stay up late for, we knew tuning into this special was a personal obligation. So we sat and watched “Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire,” the story of Homer, who was secretly working as a mall Santa after his power plant job canceled its Christmas bonus, and after blowing all their money on a losing greyhound at the racetracks, they end up taking the neglected pooch home. Though technically not the first episode—the series had a planned release earlier that year, but fell behind—it’s still the first one that aired, and the beginning of an era, and for those of us who were there at this beginning, we could already start to see it coming. Right from Bart’s first “Who the hell are you?” and Homer’s “D’oh!”
Memorable moment: Bart sneaks off to a tattoo parlor, convinces the inke